Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Arkansas."

September 15 Roanoke High School

22 Cub Scout Troop #101

29 Ft.Worth Blind Academy

October 6 Spanish American War Vets

13 Crippled Children's Home

20 Oak Cliff Mental Hospital

27 Girl Scout Troop #353

November 3 Mesquite Venereal Disease Clinic

10 Saint Mary’s School for Girls

17 Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME

December 9 Arlington Gay Boys Club

**RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR**

1 - When playing polio patients, the Cowboys must not disconnect knee braces.

2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Cowboys must not hide the football under their jerseys.

**RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR**

1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you Cowboys fans that have never seen this) is still worth 6 points.

2 - The Cowboys will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.

3 - The Cowboys will be allowed to substitute with the cheerleaders at any time.

4 - The Cowboys will be awarded 10 time-outs as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.

5 - The Cowboys will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more.

**NAME CHANGE**

The "Dallas Cowboys" will be changed to the "Dallas Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

**COACHING CHANGE**

Chan Gailey, will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!

Oiler's coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded,

"Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:

"It's basically the same, just darker."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints GM, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck that passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

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What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

The good ol' boy raises livestock.

The redneck gets emotionally involved.

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

A documentary.

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Why did God invent armadillos?

So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next

Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to

9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

10. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

11. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

12. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

13. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

14. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

15. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

17. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her, and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

I was so poor growing up... If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!

The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle."

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, Naomi, are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches, please! I know for a fact, the first thing the rescue workers look for is a black box!"

One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it!"

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and then you can put all those Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.

I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's."

So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The voice says, "Shit."

An old man and his wife were on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Dear Sir, I’m sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her very most private part was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000... please advise.

So the old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?

Dogs hump your leg…..with their eyes shut.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

Take two and keep away from the children.

Here's the first quotable quote of the century.

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live, discussing her "miraculous" Jenny Craig weight-loss):

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a feminist. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

"Don't Miss me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."