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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 p.m. for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
"That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist".
"Wow, how did you guess?"
"I didn't feel a thing."
The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"
"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.
"Well... when he asked for his third cup." she said.
This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get
a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge…
Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie-not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon, eggs,
perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!"
The Great Writer:
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a burning desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read – stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
The Everett Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the women ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, she then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned. "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
After two weeks of suspicion, the jealous wife fired her maid. But before leaving, the maid bragged,
"Your husband says I'm a better cook than you are."
The wife said, "So, what!"
The maid then added, "I'm also better in bed."
"My husband said that?" the wife asked.
"No," the maid replied, "the mailman did."
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING?"
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed . . . the *Pakistani man*, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming; "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
A girl who is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?".
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life." Said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's Wrong honey?" she asked.
He replied, " Shit woman! " as he stepped further away, " If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life.
The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window!"
A teenage granddaughter came down for a date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother threw a fit, telling her she couldn't dare go out like that!!
The teen said, "Loosen up Grams ...these are modern times - you gotta let your rosebuds show!" and left.
The next day the teenager came downstairs and saw her grandmother with no top on. The teen was just dying as she tried explaining to her Grandmother that she had friends coming over and THIS was just not appropriate!!
The grandmother replied, "Sweetie, loosen up if you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!"
A Test
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they
encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean
energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all
over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children
ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more in intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote controls.
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