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Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S Grant did not recommend himself to
strangers by his looks. He once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy winter's night
A number of lawyers, in town for a court session, were clustered around the fire. One
looked up as Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of
him he's traveled through hell itself to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire."
As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the
commentators said the same thing: "One of these people in the room is lying.
" Do you believe that? You've got two lawyers and fourteen senators in the room
and only one of them is lying?
Jay Leno
Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little
blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should
wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she
started to follow it.
As she follows the snowplow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not
having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she
was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and
came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him
for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a
snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but
he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
20 COMPUTER TERMS
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our child's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR: (1) What you turn into when you your computer screen freezes. (2) What happens often in the "chatroom" at ALT.CTRL.DEL. Related term PRECURSOR: what you had not saved before the screen froze.
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just to look."
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE: An ancient custom.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half. ALT meaning -- April 15 date bug
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW: Out of what you heave the computer after you by accident erase a program that took you three days to set in place and get working.
TRIVIA
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Hardly seems worth it!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew....?, Who cares!)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Go back to that pig thing and decide which one is better...)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
After reading all these, all I can say is...?......Damn Pigs?!!!
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile; "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well then, wash your fucking hands. I want a chicken sandwich."
MORE RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW......
Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
What the hell is a doily?
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy!
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her,
"Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby
doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten
her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right
in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."
Often, it is good practice to imagine a moral question, an imaginary situation, decide what you would do in that situation, and discuss the ramifications of the question and your actions with good friends. With your indulgence, I'd like to pose just such a hypothetical situation, and get some reactions.
The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.
Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President,,,,
What shutter speed would you use?
MEMO
Subject: Y2K
Because of heightened concern over our potential Y2K problem and increased demand on our M.I.S. department, we have determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support (see below).
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 1999, thus avoiding the anticipated Y2K problem. Instead, all employees will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
This provides four distinct advantages:
1.No Y2K problems
2.No technical glitches to prevent goals from being accomplished
3.No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4.Everybody gets the same advanced model
In anticipation of the changeover, the following is a list of frequently asked questions regarding Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn off my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document Window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Thank you for your support.
Sincerely
The Management
Sven and Ole work together but are both laid off, so they go to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole says: " Panty stitcher. I sew de elastic onto de cotton panties!"
The clerk looks up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300 per week unemployment pay.
Sven is asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replies.
Finding that diesel mechanic is a skilled job, the clerk gives Sven $600 per week.
When Ole finds out, he is furious. He storms back into the unemployment office, to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay.
The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"Vhat skill?" yells Ole, "I sew de elastic on, Sven pulls em open and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down
on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him
could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public-address microphone.
"May I have your attention please" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone
can help him find his identity, please come to the gate".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line
for that too."
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