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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."
He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breast bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her
sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered
terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his
wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Incredible as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
Yuppie lawyers don't cry- they just Saab.
A lawyer is a man who advises his clients on how not to lose all they own to anyone but him.
He got his client a suspended sentence…..They hung him.
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping...
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat...Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got really snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive.
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
the case of Bud Dry?
9. Saw something today
that reminded me of you.
As a matter of fact it was
the shit on my shoe!
10. So you're taking Viagra
so you can please me.
What you need is an implant
Since your inch size is three!
Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy,
where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off.
What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you
keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to
the theater and stare at frikken ceiling up there.
The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't".
Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr.Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? YOU should know
asshole YOU fucking pulled ME over!
A judge is an attorney who has stopped practicing law.
Subject: Another example of when a man doesn't listen to a woman.
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake sooooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.................
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out there he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
"A hundred dollars."
"Damn. All I've got is thirty."
"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
"A handjob," Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks."
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock, and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand, and she began to worry. At two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her.
"Now I'm the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well. . . yes", he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked. "Now take off my boots." He did. Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked. "Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."
MORE BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat."
Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions:
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
A few beers short of a six pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off his cracker
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had two more brains he’d be a half-wit
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
His skylight leaks a little
His Slinky's kinked
He’s surfing in Nebraska
There’s too much yardage between his goal posts
Politician: a person who is willing to do anything for the working class, except become one of them.
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