A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't fucking think so."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.

"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think, then asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange!

The doctor tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

The guy responds, "No, the boss was a real butthole. I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job, and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"

The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys’ stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Darn, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks, and munch on Cheetos".

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.

Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife," Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."

So off they went out the door and across to the field.

The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.

The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.

With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A TRUCK!' " --Emo Phillips

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.

6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.

7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

8. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.

12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.

13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.

14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.

15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain't.

16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.

17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some Southerners view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.

18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

19. "Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but Damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.

20. If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."

There was a midget from Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. His friend suggested that he go to the doctor and see what he could do to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough.

"Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one, asked him to cough again.

"Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip on the right side, and then snip, snip, snip on the left side. Then he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if they still ached.

The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office as he was not hurting anymore. "Hey, that's great, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "Well, I just cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one.

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought to himself, "I love baskin' robins."

God's sitting up in heaven, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his friends up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions.

"What about Mars", says one of them.

"Nah I went there 15,000 years ago", says God, "It was crap, no atmosphere, too dusty and there was an Apexian convention in town that kept pissing me off."

"What about Pluto", suggests another.

"Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago", says God "absolutely freezing and none of the ski lifts were in operation"

"What about Mercury then" says another.

"It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, didn't put any sunscreen on and nearly burnt my nuts off it was that hot, never again" says God.

"Well what about Earth then" suggests another.

"You must be joking," says God, "I went there about 2,000 years ago, shagged some Jewish bird, and they're still talking about it."

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY- The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

CONSCIENCE- That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

DECOY- A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY- Book of revelations.

DOCTOR- A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped

ENEMA- A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION- Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY- Nine months before labor day.

HORSE SHOW- A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND- What is left after the nerve has been killed.

HUNG CHOW- Chinese constipation.

MASTURBATION- A solo played on a private organ.

NURSE- A pan handler.

POLICE OFFICER- Garbage collector.

PREGNANCY- When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

SISSY- A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

TAXIDERMIST- A man who mounts animals.

TOMCAT- A ball bearing mouse trap.

VIRGINITY- A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever

VIRGIN WOOL- Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheepherder.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef with broccorri?"

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. On hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

12. One hand on the wheel, spitting a wad of chewing tobacco out the window while driving in the left lane. Coon dog in the back. Tennessee.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld