A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy....I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still my heart, thought the physician, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.

He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.

Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.

I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

The table of contents of the ideal law book reads as follows:

Page 1-10 Libel laws

Page 11-24 Divorce laws

Page 25-36 Criminal laws

Page 37-359 Loopholes

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*IFF-Identification Friend or Foe*

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.

The husband comes out of the bathroom naked and climbs into bed.

The wife states the usual "I have a headache" and the husband replies "Good, I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin, you can take it orally or as a suppository, the choice is yours."

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grass hoppers!"

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters who lives in Palmerston North is married to an Australian. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are now currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland for the rape and murder of a teen-age boy in 1984. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a "working girl" in a brothel. However, her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with Aids. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her that my cousin graduated from the University of Oklahoma?

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.

Abe and Goldie are in front of the divorce judge's bench...

She's weeping bitter tears as the judge looks over the paperwork.

She says through her tears, "Your Honor, 50 years I'm married to this man. 50 years! And do you know, in all those fifty years, as soon as the marriage ceremony was over, he didn't open his mouth to say one word to me! I can't take it any more, Your Honor!"

"Mr. Goldstein, what have you got to say for yourself", asked the judge.

Abe shrugged, "I didn't want to interrupt."

There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed for being blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brunette.

Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a shepherd with his flock.

She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette and if she did indeed get any smarter.

She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she could guess how many sheep he had she could have one.

The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed.

The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one hundred and fifty."

The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take home.

She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the shepherd stopped her and said, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

I love my Job, I love the Pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my Boss; he's the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!

There's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my Peers -

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;

I hug it often though it doesn't care...

I love each Program and every File,

I try to understand once in a while!

I'm happy to be here, I am I am;

I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.

I love this Work: I love these Chores.

I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job - I'll say it again -

I even love these friendly Men -

These men who've come to visit today

In lovely white coats to take me away!

Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says; "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma Cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"