Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk, and a Texas Aggie. Each was allowed to take one item to help pass the time while incarcerated.

On the bus, the drunk guy turned to the mobster and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the da Vinci of the prison system.

Then he asked the drunk, "What did you bring?"

He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile, "I brought these."

Puzzled, the other two convicts asked, "What can you do with THOSE?"

Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body.

They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Did you kill her?"

"Yes," he replied.

"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?"

"Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.

"No problem" says his friend, "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."

So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friend's advice, he proceeds under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and, finally, soft snoring. Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the commode.

"Shhhhhhh........" she says, "Mother's in town."

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs...."Honey would you like some of this?"

"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

Q. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more farwood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

RAM: That thing what splits the farwood.

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time.

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside.

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season.

BYTE: What them dang flies do.

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps.

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys.

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives.

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole.

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

ENTER: Yankee talk fer "c'mon in heer, yawl".

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"

"Well...not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly....I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A criminal defense lawyer is making his closing argument to the jury. His client is accused of murder, but the body of the victim has never been found.

He dramatically withdraws his pocket watch and announces to the jury, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some astounding news. We have found the supposed victim of this murder alive and well, and, in exactly one minute, he will walk through that door into this courtroom."

A hushed silence falls over the courtroom, as everyone waits for the momentous entry.

Nothing happens.

The lawyer then says, "The mere fact that you were watching that door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, suggests that you have a reasonable doubt whether a murder was committed." Pleased with the impact of the stunt, he then sits down to await an acquittal.

The jury is instructed, files out and files back in ten minutes later with a verdict finding the defendant guilty. Following the proceedings, the astounded lawyer chases after the jury foreman to find out what went wrong.

"How could you convict?" he asks. "You were all watching the door!"

The foreman explains, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

"None," replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

An Illinois man left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her

e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here."

Recently my friend, Tommy, went into the confessional and said: "Bless me Father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman!"

The priest said, "Is that you again Tommy?"

Tommy replied, "Yes, Father it is me!"

The priest asked, "Who was that woman you were with?"

Tommy replied, "I can't tell you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation!"

The Priest asked, "was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy said, "No Father!"

The priest asks again, "Was it Fiona McDonald?"

Tommy replies. "No Father"

The priest asks again, "Tommy, was it Annie Brown?"

Again Tommy says, "No Father!"

For the fourth time the priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

And again Tommy says, "No Father!"

The fifth time Father (who is getting a little miffed) asks, "Tommy, was it Amy Thomas?"

"No Father" Tommy says for the fifth time.

In desperation, the priest says, "Tommy, was it Cathy Moran?"

Tommy replies, "NO Father! I'm so very sorry but, I just cannot tell you!"

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance! However Tommy you must atone for your sins! Your penance will be four "Our Fathers" and five "Hail Marys". God Bless You and go back to your seat."

Tommy goes back to his seat and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers,

"Tommy, what happened?"

"Well I got four "Our Fathers" and five "Hail Marys" and six hot leads!"

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a damned good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in

the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling.

The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.

The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.

He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.

Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he knew there were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight.

He knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.

He then stated that he was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck won!

One day Little Susie got her "monthly period" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery.

Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money.

He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels. Just lean on each other until they arrive."

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price.

The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys the following:

* one can of beans

* one bag of potato chips

* one pack of burgers

* one tub of ice cream

* one cake

* one yogurt

* one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The girl replies, "You're an ugly bugger."

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York City. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday!"