The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up "during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's a woman’s job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket and continued walking.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket and continued his walk.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket and once more continued walking.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?"

The engineer stopped and said, "Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s really cool."

Mark Twain had just finished addressing a New England society banquet when the attorney William M. Evarts stood up with his hands in his pockets, as was his custom, and remarked: "Does it not seem unusual to this gathering that a professional humorist should really appear funny?"

Twain arose and responded in his habitual drawl: "Does it not also appear strange to this assembly that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The police officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the officer.

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief looking very grim replied, "My bike."

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

---------------------------------

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

--------------------------------

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

-------------------------------

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

------------------------------

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

------------------------------

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

-------------------------------

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

--------------------------------

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

---------------------------------

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

-----------------------------------

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

-----------------------------------

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

----------------------------------

NORDIC TRACK $300

HARDLY USED ***************

CALL CHUBBIE ***************

-------------------------------------

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING

"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed:

100% gained weight,

100% talked excessively without making sense,

100% became emotional,

100% carried on conversations while in the restroom,

100% felt more stable sitting versus standing during those visits,

100% couldn't drive, and

100% refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a "restricted" hotel in North Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."

Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

"Jewish? So who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because... a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned out hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service agents descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

" Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

" Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you can’t believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they take along time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they're coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

01) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

02) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

03) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

04) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

05) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

06) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

07) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

08) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty-faced activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

09) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

10) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

11) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.

13) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

14) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

15) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, or Thomas Edison.

16) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

17) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

18) You have to believe Hilary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man.

19) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

20) You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Record keeping took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken.

He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell did not ring all morning.

Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.

Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. "Let's swap positions tonight."

"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

Q. What's the favorite pickup line in Arkansas?

A. Nice tooth.