Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.

Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!

(Editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA but seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? May already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

The old couple was planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them, "Excuse me, what's your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian asked, "What is meat?"

The North Korean said, "What is an opinion?"

And the New Yorker says: "What's excuse me?"

There was this drunk staggering down the street. He fell over a fire hydrant, landed in the gutter, picked himself up and reeled into a near by church. He stumbled into the vestibule, knocked over a statue of St. Anthony, then went into a confessional.

A Priest hearing the commotion stood in the doorway and watched all of the activity. When he saw the poor man go into the confessional, he thought this was a good time to help the poor soul. So he entered the other side and opened the little window into the drunk's side and asked, "How may I help you my good man?"

With that the drunk asked, "Is there any paper on your side?"

Slogans:

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
Hello, can we pick your nose?"

At a Laundry Shop:
How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
" If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what you’re looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "

At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."

"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

After being married to Nathan for thirty years, his wife, Rebecca, was suing him for a divorce.

On the witness stand, she said, "My husband curses me in his sleep!"

Nathan yelled to the judge, "Your honor, that's a lie! I'm not asleep!"

Oxymoron’s

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42 Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt head

30. Military intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. Extinct life

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. New classic

16. Temporary tax increase

15. French bravery

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

09. Definite maybe

08. Pretty ugly

07. Twelve-ounce pound cake

06. Diet ice cream

05. Rap music

04. Working vacation

03. Exact estimate

02. Religious tolerance

And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with it's butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy you can't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old.

"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and have bowel movement every morning at 6:30. What's so tough about being 80?"

"Well you see, I don't wake up until 10:00 am."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one they began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers also. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.